Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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