Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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