a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
