Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
