the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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