My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
