The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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