I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
