jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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