I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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