I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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