Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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