you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
