you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
