i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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