I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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