Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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