How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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