ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
