I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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