Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
