They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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