I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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