dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
