my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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