So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
