No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
