like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
