So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
