:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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