I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
