If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The beer is more important than you right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
