Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
