I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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