I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
