1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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