I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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