Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
