Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Randomize
