I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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