I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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