ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
