i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
