So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize