seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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