Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How does one acquire holy water?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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