I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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