Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
