I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
