it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
