I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
