Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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