Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
