Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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