Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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