Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
