How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
