Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
