Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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