dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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